Share my full interview with Riana – we covered a lot of this in the radio interview, but there is new information included here and many of the points and lists we discussed are included below.
BIO: Riana Milne, MA, LMHC, CAP is a Certified, global Relationship, Love & Life Coach, a #1 Best Selling author, a Life, Love & Relationship for the TV Show, Radical Dating; Finding Love Over 40; Host of her former TV show: Lessons in Life & Love, a motivational speaker, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea; 15300 Jog Rd, Suite 109, Delray Beach. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her 5 star rated books, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve and LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses life transitions and relationships with yourself and others. To learn more about Riana’s Coaching programs or suggest a topic, go to
www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. Worldwide Coaching Phone: (201) 281-7887.
Delray Beach, FL office: (561) 701-8277; FB: Coach Riana Milne.
SUMMARY — Women and men will always have challenges in their relationships; whether they are in a dating or Exclusive relationship. Before you start dating, do get a Dating & Life Coaching Program; to learn to BE and Attract — an Emotionally Healthy partner. And for Couples, don’t wait until it’s too late to fix your Love relationship – when one of you is already out the door!
For Toxic Relationships, do invest in a Certified Relationship Coach who also understands the Psychology of the ACOA individual and the Childhood Trauma Syndrome – for your best, and most long lasting results – that will change your Life in EVERY area! It certainly is much less than the price and stress of a divorce.
You CAN learn to have the Love you Deserve – but this is something no one has taught us in school – so do yourself a favor, and learn the skills from a qualified and Certified Life, Love & Relationship Coach for a successful, life-long relationship.
To Help Listeners –
I offer a FREE 45-minute Coaching Strategy session – for those Looking to find amazing Love, or for those hoping to fix their current relationship. Just sign up at my website – RianaMilne.com. They are many free articles, videos, and you can download free chapters from my Best Selling book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve; and LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success.
I have a FREE APP – My Relationship Coach. FB page is – Coach Riana Milne, and if you would like to write me about a personal issue, please do at – RianaMilne@gmail.com.
For those listening to this interview, I also am offering $100 OFF my Online, Home Study program for Singles – just email me at RianaMilne@gmail.com, and tell me you want to receive this special offer!
PART 1 – RIANA MILNE, RELATIONSHIP, LOVE, LIFE COACH
Welcome, Riana! Tell us about how you got started in Coaching –
I’ve been a Couples, Singles & Family Therapist for over 16 years, starting in the Atlantic City, NJ area, and moving to Delray Beach, Florida in 2014. I became a Certified Life, Dating & Relationship Coach with RCI – Relationship Coaching Institute, in 2009 & 2010; which resulted in a better, faster, cutting edge quality of transformation to my clients of all ages. My Life, Dating & Relationship Coaching Programs are 3 & 6 months long and originally written. I coach Singles & Couples world-wide; by SYPE or in my office; that combine Coaching with Psychology, teaching you the exact skills needed to help you have the Life & Love you Deserve.
These Programs were created out of my own search for Emotionally Healthy, Evolved Love. I sought out the information that was not taught in my Psychology Master’s Program; that I needed, as well as that my clients needed — to improve our overall Life and the quality of our Love Relationships. Many years of research are in this information; which contains techniques you will not learn in school, or in any Standard Coaching program that does not include examining how Childhood Trauma creates triggers that sabotage Adult Love Relationships – that’s for sure!
More about Riana’s Books –
Writing my two books was a grueling Labor of Love – the LOVE Beyond Your Dreams went to #1 on amazon, and is 424 pgs., and took 2 years of research, with18 rounds of editing – but it has been reviewed as “The Guidebook to LOVE” and is helping so many find emotionally healthy, Evolved Love.
It’s sister book, LIVE Beyond Your Dreams, helps the reader adapt a positive mindset to reduce negative thinking & assumptions; anxiety, and depression, while increasing confidence and personal happiness and gratitude. Together they help transform your Life into one lived with Love and Passion.
Who are your Typical Clients?
It’s funny, I never thought I had “typical clients,” since I have seen people from ages 5 to 85 in my practice. However, I now have an equal number of Single Coaching Clients looking to get through difficult Life transitions as well as looking for emotionally healthy Love – from ages 21 to 70; both men and women, straight and gay – AND – Exclusive Couples over age 25 looking to fix and improve the quality of their Love Relationships.
However, over the years I have found that MOST of my clients are struggling with anxiety, and depression, as well as broken, Toxic relationships due to past Childhood Trauma Syndrome; or ACOA Personality issues. So, I have taken this on as my specialty area; combining both Psychology and Coaching in my programs; to give my client a transformational experience that improves their passion for Life, including finding an amazing Life Partner – or – improving their current Love Relationship.
What is your process when working with your clients?
Well, everyone is a different puzzle – every person has different needs. Therefore, I offer a private, FREE Coaching Strategy session to each of your listeners to see where they are in their Life, by discussing the top 3 concerns or goals they would like to have addressed. Some are Single and want to find love – to become more confident with dating to attract the partner of their dreams. Other Singles are in an Exclusive relationship, but questioning if indeed – their partner is “the One.” Other people are in an Exclusive Relationship, and want it improved in the areas of intimacy and communication, while others are considering divorce – and my program – Relationship Rescue is their last hope to save their marriage. Some have lost their partner due to death, or an affair – and now they need to experience intensive healing before dating. And some of my clients want Business & Marketing Coaching along with Life Coaching, which I also provide. In summary, I ask what a client’s needs are, and we go from there. I only take nine Coaching clients at one time, to provide excellent, personal service – 7 days a week, 12 hours a day.
PART 2 – Dating Skills
Why do you think dating is so difficult for many Singles?
It can be difficult for both men and women. However, there are 11 Single women to 1 man, so the competition for a woman is fiercer. This reason is why more and more women are investing in Dating & Relationship Coaching – to give them an edge by learning the exact skills needed to be a Successful Single, and to attract and choose the Partner of their Dreams. Also, many women have been socialized not to take risks, or do not know how to be “pleasantly aggressive” or feel confident; they are overcoming some of their childhood programing to become more self-assured and feel more sensual when it comes to men and dating. Or, the opposite can occur – women who have learned to be independent and successful in their careers often struggle to find a great Partner. Each woman is different, so we work on her specific concerns throughout the Coaching program.
Men like to date in a more “natural way” and often hate the thought of using an Online Profile to meet a woman; although today, it’s become a lot more accepted. However, they are often unsure of how to write a great profile to attract their ideal partner. Like women, men were not taught dating skills and exactly what to look for in an ideal partner, leading to dating anxiety. Many men go “for looks and chemistry” and this often leads to grave disappointment. My male clients like learning the skills for success, leading to higher levels of confidence while dating.
What are the 3 most important things that people should consider when dating?
1) You want to know your Requirements, Wants and Needs. Requirements are non-negotiable, you MUST have these to feel happy in a relationship. For example, if you are 28 and want marriage and children, you must only date those who want the same.
2) You want to be “The Chooser” – Many women settle for a guy who chooses them, but they are not truly happy within the relationship. You want your Requirements, Needs and Wants well defined to select the best partner — for You. Many men go for sex and a great cook, overlooking the characteristics needed in a great woman who is an emotionally healthy, evolved partner. Neither should settle for someone who merely likes them, if their requirements aren’t met.
3) Many Singles ignore the Red Warning Flags in their partner, and stay too long in a Toxic relationship. Women think “All the good men are gone” or “There’s no good men left” or other self-defeating, negative thoughts. Due to this “lack mentality” many women endure Toxic Relationships – which includes: emotional, verbal and physical abuse. After a divorce or loss of a partner, many men go for a woman that will give them sex or cook for them – and attach very quickly before getting to know them. It is very important to be able to identify an Emotionally Healthy, Evolved Partner as well as knowing all the Warning Signs of a Partner who could Break your Heart; before becoming intimately involved.
How long should you wait before dating after a breakup or divorce?
This somewhat depends on the situation. If it was a mutual break-up with no anger, then 3 months. If cheating or other toxic behaviors existed, you may want to wait 6-12 months. Investing in a Life Coach in this transitional period is a perfect solution to scrutinize what happened, and learn the skills to ensure it will not happen again. Take the time to examine all your Life Sphere’s, become strong and emotionally healthy again yourself, before getting out to date. You want to be a Successful Single before meeting an ideal partner – you want to be ready for them in all ways.
If you have kids, do NOT introduce them to a new partner until at least 6-months into the relationship, and you both have agreed to be exclusive. So many Singles make this mistake; children of divorce will often resent your new partner, so they need time to heal after a divorce as much as you do. Being patient up front can save you years of heartache with your children.
What are some good screening out questions that should be asked on a first date?
I offer many in my book, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – but I will share a few here. Knowing the right questions to ask gives you a lot of information on the first date – so you will be clear afterwards if a second date is desired.
Tell me about your parents, and where did you grow up? This tells you a lot – if the parents are emotionally healthy or toxic, and what their jobs and socio-economic class they are in. Ideally your date has parents who have a long, loving marriage, or have divorced and moved on successfully. Hopefully, they have fond memories of growing up, there are family rituals and vacations, they have parents who are kind, loving and supportive – but not overly involved in their adult life. You don’t want a “mama’s boy” or a woman who is still dependent on their parents.
What is your happiest and fondest memory? Your saddest memory? You will hear if your date had a happy childhood – if they excelled in school, sports, or in other activities. Listen for warning signs of bullying, fighting, peer rejection, depression, neglect or abuse.
Tell me about your last long relationship (or marriage) and why you think it ended.
You’re looking for — if the divorce is settled, and the Ex and they get along – or if their relationship is still volatile. Is there alimony or Child support? This keeps your date connected to their Ex for a much longer time-period. Have they rebuilt their life since divorce – or were they left in debt? Are they still angry, and are there any other messy details? Are they STILL married?? Drop this one asap – Never date a person who is “still separated!” They must be totally single and available to date. Period.
If you are over 48, ask about their Retirement Plans. For example, if you are in NJ, and they plan to retire to the desert in Arizona, and you want to retire to the ocean in Florida – this is not a match. Don’t think someone will change their mind. Listen to what they say – either they match your goals for retirement – or they do not. It is best to state your retirement plans in your profile, so a date knows your intentions early on.
PART 3 – How to Find Emotionally Healthy Partner
Dating profiles are popular now – What are some easy red flags to look for in dating profiles?
A person who cannot write a lot about himself is a problem. Either they are proud with their life and will say so, or if they write little – they are not very interesting or seriously invested in the process of meeting someone – move on! Photos with a lot of other people in them is a turn off, and often any sarcasm is covering up for insecurities. Someone just emailing you a – “Hi” – don’t take time to respond; they are lazy and just fishing for some kind of contact with as many people as possible. Someone with a lot of miss-spellings, or writing as if they are texting – is another negative. You want intelligence. They should clearly be able to describe WHO they are, WHAT their career is and what hobbies they enjoy; mention several of their accomplishments, and give you plenty of insight into their character and what they are looking for in a Partner. Also, a dating profile should never be negative in any way.
PART 4 – What an Ideal Relationship Looks Like
We all want to find the partner of our dreams…. How do we figure out what that looks like for each of us?
Everyone will want something different. However, core basic qualities seem universal for those seeking a relationship – someone we can trust, who is honest, dependable, financially secure, addiction-free, is monogamous, etc. Each of us have Requirements, however – and these are Non-Negotiables – like someone who loves to dance, or travel, or – must love dogs! You must figure out your 8-12 Requirements – things that must happen in your relationship for you to be truly happy.
Then there are your Needs to define – Functional Needs help your relationship run smoothly – like – sharing household chores. Emotional Needs – are what you need to happen to feel Loved – like giving and receiving daily affection in a certain way. When a Need is not met, an Issue will occur; but you can work around and negotiate through the issues. Needs are important, but not often deal-breakers unless they are totally and repeatedly ignored.
What are all the areas we need to get clarity on with our partner?
There are many life areas with which we must see if we are compatible with a new partner. For example, careers – if you work a day shift, and he works a night shift; this will be a lonely and strained relationship. If he loves football on TV or plays golf with the guys on weekends and you love to be outside doing an activity with your partner together, you are sure to be miserable. The Life areas to look at are – satisfaction with career, similar hobbies, secure and stable finances, similar spiritual faith, desire for marriage/exclusivity, travel/vacation choices (skiing vs beach), type of foods (health & fitness), balance in life, relationship with parents, extended family and children; healthy & supportive friendships – these are all avenues to explore early on – before intimacy happens; to indeed see if you are a match.
What are some positive communication strategies we can all use in our relationships?
Tone, Pace, Volume, and being conscious about what you say – and when you say it – are all communication techniques I work on with my clients. A man usually wants to solve a woman’s problem; this is a core need for the male ego. However, many women just want him to listen, for him to be a friend and vent to him about her concerns. ASK before giving advice by saying; “Would you like my opinion on what to do?”
Pay attention to HOW you talk to your partner and WHAT you say. Be positive about life, don’t be a downer! Compliment them often, and genuinely, not just when you need something – it’s SOOO obvious, and it is a turn off. Thank them for the everyday kindnesses they do for you – that are mundane chores for them – like paying bills, doing the laundry, cooking or cutting the lawn – if they are not feeling appreciated, trust me – they won’t feel happy in the relationship!
When on a date, be romantic and talk about future events, or vacation plans – don’t droll on about the kids, complain about work, etc. Take your time to dress sexy and alluring by doing your hair and makeup nicely for the women, and shaving for the men. Smile often, laugh – be FUN. Have an amazing time – Flirt with your partner so they fall in love with you all over again! This is a great night to initiate sex – and men do love when their women come on to them – and most don’t do it enough; as I hear in my Coaching office. If you show you desire him often, he will love you forever!
How can we know when it’s best to move on from a relationship?
Most people will hang in there to try to make a relationship work. However, the second you see some toxic behavior patterns, you must have an honest conversation about your concerns and suggest you seek out help from a Relationship Coach. Deep seated patterns do not just “go-away.” A person can apologize several times … but if the poor actions continue – especially cheating, or emotional, verbal and physical abuse, then you must get help.
If they refuse, this is a bad sign – move on. If they agree to go for help, and they seem very sincere in their apology, and they admit to needing help – this relationship can be healed. Both of you should dedicate 3-6 months of trying 150% before quitting – especially if you have kids. However, some people use Coaching or Counseling as “a patch” to smooth things over – they put out the effort initially, but don’t continue to stay dedicated. This is what you are watching for over time. Your partner needs to rebuild your trust, which only comes with Time. You want a person of Integrity – doing the right things when no one is watching. None of us have the time to micro-manage or babysit our partner – either they are doing the right things by you – or they are not. If not, don’t settle; and always remember – The world is abundant, and It’s Time for you to have The Love You Deserve!
PART 5 – IDENTIFYING TRAUMA and TRIGGERS
What are the most prominent types of traumas and the signs that they are coming out in the relationship?
Triggers – are Traumas or emotional wounds experienced during childhood, that come out in your Love relationship. The ACOA – Adult Child of an Alcoholic – or any adult who suffered nine other types of Traumas as children. There are faulty coping patterns that ruin and sabotage relationships – and you must understand – WHY you Do, WHAT You do – and STOP them. These children learned at a very young age how to deny their pain by shutting down their emotions.
The Unconscious thought, word or action (behavior from a trigger) must become Conscious, because you can’t change what you don’t understand!
The 9 traumas include…
- Abandonment from one or both parents – (Fault or No-Fault) – Fault – physical neglect, emotional absence or any addiction; No-fault (father at war; death) or Enmeshment by an opposite sex-parent
- Verbal abuse; anger, yelling, cursing
- Emotional abuse, neglect or lack of safety; shutting down affection towards child
- Sexual abuse, rape or molestation was experienced
- Adoption or Foster care; needing to live at a relative’s home
- Feeling worthless – was bullied or had severe competition with siblings or in school
- Living within a Domestic Violence situation; or knowing the secret of a Cheating parent
- Growing up with an emotionally unstable parent – Depressed, Anxious, OCD, Angry, Perfectionist, Demanding
- Family Trauma – frequent moves, poverty, loss of home by flood or fire, physically sick or addicted sibling
There is a Severity index of 1 – 10: Being an ACOA can cause you to choose another ACOA – an unhealthy, toxic partner or lead you to be Co-Dependent or Love Addicted
The ACOA checklist – developed by Slyvia Kay & Ronnie Fisher; measures the attributes often associated with ACOA’s
It assesses – two sub-types: 1) Perfectionist, rigid controlling – OR – 2) Disorganized & Impulsive. The scales measure –
- Low Self Esteem
- Conflicted Personal Relationships
- Perfectionism & need to control
- Need for Approval
- Sublimination of Personal Needs
It is essential that these issues are analyzed, understood and worked on daily. A knowledgeable Coach with a background in Psychology and Counseling – with training in addictions and the ACOA personality type, or Childhood Trauma Syndrome – is mandatory to help end the faulty behavior patterns – WHY? Because as I say – “You can’t change what you Don’t Understand!”
The ACOA Sourcebook by Janet Woititz
4 Questions: The Client must ask — Will this Action or Choice —–
- Hurt ME in any way?
- My Partner, the person I LOVE?
- My CHILRDREN or extended family?
- My reputation on the Job or in the Community?
When an adult falls in Love, these faulty imprinted habits that were CHILDHOOD COPING mechanisms & survival strategies re-emerge and often destroy the adult Love relationship the ACOA really craves.
(The RAINBOW for healing)
When dating – Initially the ACOA is charming, romantic, sexy, fun, outgoing, socially confident, loving and affectionate – they are stellar at the Art of Seduction! Once a relationship becomes Exclusive or a marriage occurs, the following signs could emerge:
- Over working, eating or spending
- Controlling partner or others
- Using humor or charm to Manipulate
- Abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex to sooth Anxiety
- Trouble communication about their fears, anger or needs (Passive – Aggressive)
- The Secret Life starts to consume them – the power of Control is “in the Secret” – the Dark side/shadow is fronting lies and manipulation, conning behaviors, Addictions
- Blame, can’t apologize, shows no remorse to their wrong doings (The Sociopath)
LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – In my book I describe the ACOA and other Personality types, along with the warning signs to look for within a Toxic person or relationship. This is Must reading for anyone out there dating.
Old patterns of the ACOA used for Self-comfort and coping mechanisms can be broken with the proper, intensive help and education.
What are some other triggers – and sabotaging behaviors from Trauma?
- Lying and manipulation can be a trigger if they are afraid of being punished – or knowing you will upset your partner, thinking they may leave you
- Control is used when a partner doesn’t feel good enough – or lacks control over his own life
- Jealousy is a lack of trust and self-confidence; you think your partner wants another, because what you offer is again, “not good enough” So you hold on too tight, and control your partner’s actions – making them angry & wanting to get away from you.
- Impulsivity – making risky choices that can destroy your relationship, or hurt your partner
- People Pleasing – can’t say No, overdue for others – making you angry & resentful; this is used to help raise self-esteem
- Abandonment issues lead to clinginess, anxiety when your partner is gone, reaching out to talk to other men, or seeking attention from others
- Anger – yelling and acting out, or shutting down and becoming passive-aggressive when you are afraid, or don’t get your way.
- Addiction – Over Spending, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating, hoarding, etc.
- Use of Cheap Drama to make their life interesting. Using Sexual fantasies, addictive porn use, or other Sexual acting out (often done in secret; the “power” is in the Secret as they often use it as a form of passive-aggressive punishment towards their partner).
Many ACOA’s attract other ACOA’s – leading to TOXIC Relationships. I help these couples all the time. My program, Relationship Rescue, helps each partner in their Life skills be becoming the Best person they can be; overcoming their childhood triggers; and toxic behavior patterns; helping them to communicate their needs in a positive, loving and safe way. Initially, there is a lot of love, romance, attraction, attention and lust for their partner. But in about 90 days – to 6 months, once the couple “falls in love” the poor coping mechanisms and acting out starts to appear.
The goal is complete honesty, a sense of faith for healing, 12-steps help many, and having safety to speak about their feelings. They learn to feel comfortable living in a peaceful environment, and not stir up destructive, cheap drama (their prior “Normal” when growing up).
Are there any less-known traumas that are more prevalent than we think? MOST people have some traumas in their life. The most common are the emotional abuse and neglect, or verbal abuse, and personal traumas – such as being bullied or put-down as a child; leading to not “feeling good enough.”
PART 6 – COMMUNICATING BEYOND TRIGGERS
- At what point do people come to you for help? Is it when they are about to break up or post-breakup/reflection? Yes, many wait until one partner is almost out the door. This is the wrong thing to do! Hire a Relationship Coach early – as soon as you see troubling patterns emerge. My programs are 3 months to 6 months – most Singles looking for Emotionally Healthy, Evolved Love go for the 3-month program – but when they want more ongoing support from me, they choose 6 months. The 6-month program is ideal for Couples, because I help 3 entities – each partner, and the Relationship as a whole – it take more time and intensive work. But the results are amazing!
- How do you help your clients work through their triggers when they come up while still in their relationship?
Each Partner identifies what the trigger is coming up for them, apologizes for their actions, and they know how to make the subconscious — conscious. The acting out become less and less, the understanding and communication increasingly improves, and a stronger element of trust is built. Your partner takes less things personally, knowing you are coming from a sensitive place.